Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”