Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.