PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I put the mess in domestic.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!