[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Hell yeah 👍
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
How actors in movies eat their food
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.