Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!