[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
You Might Also Like
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.