[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Unexpected Judgment
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive