nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
You Might Also Like
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.