me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Air conditioning – not a fan
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.