We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*