People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
rise and shine we got egg
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰