Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL