Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
You Might Also Like
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?