I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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Cat.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!