“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Google Pay be like:
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist