for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Girl, same.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.