funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.