The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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Broom by every window for quick escape.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic