[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Guilty! 🤪
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Plant care tips
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill