What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese