[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
it was love at first sight
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.