me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
August 8
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The 6 types of sex
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
cat vs inanimate object
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow