boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
twitter is a journey
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.