What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
You Might Also Like
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Are you ok, human???
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.