i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.