My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?