date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
What a chick magnet..
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”