ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years