the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*