[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.