My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
🙅🏻
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
So, can we agree on 4 or
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.