*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I wish this was real life…
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.