Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
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