Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them