Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Who knew!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”