<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time