*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.