I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
this chia pet tastes awful
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes