God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
You Might Also Like
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.