*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)