I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.