ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s