uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.