My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.