13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
she has a point
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.