“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
You Might Also Like
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The USS B port
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks