If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I put the mess in domestic.
Happens to everyone.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face