Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine