[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
You Might Also Like
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.