i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW